Minutes repeat
Like a wavering voice.
But when that voice runs out
of air--
Minutes pause:
"Tick"
Will no longer
"Tock".
We would run in circles
(If we could run),
Alas, time has stopped
(And the world is undone)!
Listen to the pause
In the flickering verse
(In the very least,
At its very worst)
The voice of time,
Hear her shout:
"All is wrong!"
When her voice runs out.
I apologize this one is kind of "all over" and probably confusing and awful. Critique?
3 comments:
It is kind of "all over," but I like the overall feeling of the poem--it's very dynamic. I would suggest maybe organizing the ideas a little more, so it's more appealing to readers.
Thanks, Priya, that's helpful!
I can't figure out why that sounds sarcastic and how I can get it to *not* sound sarcastic... *sigh*
well just know I really appreciate it.
and now I sound mad.
I'm having typing problems today.
I don't think it's awful. I just think that with a couple of edits, it'll be way way stronger.
I've got a couple of suggestions, but I was wondering whether you wanted this to have a more old-time feel or a more modern feel...because at this point I think it feels like a poem set in ancient time.
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